Today, I’m answering a reader’s question that’s very near and dear to my heart. Because it’s something that I personally struggled with when I was dating.
And something that when I got over, seriously transformed my entire dating world. But more importantly, it’s something that I find we do when we don’t have enough self-love, self-confidence, or self-care.
So if you’ve ever found yourself wondering what you did wrong (or what’s wrong with you) to cause the person you’re seeing to randomly disappear, read on.
You don’t want to miss the advice below.
I’m sharing this with you today because I know that if one of my readers feels strongly enough to email me a question, I know that there are a bunch of other readers, just like her (you and me), who either have the same question or have felt the same thing before, making us feel less alone. And that right there – in itself – is a beautiful thing.
THE DATING QUESTION (names removed to preserve anonymity)
“I always read your blog. Hope this email finds you well. I have an issue that drives me out of my mind. Could you please help me?
To be short and to the point, I met one man, everything was completely fine and nice. But then he disappeared and now it is killing me. I’m torturing myself with the thoughts what I did wrong. How can I change my mind and stop blaming myself?
Thank you in advance for your help!”
I want you to know that you did nothing wrong. I don’t even need to know him or you to know that. But, what I do know is that he weeded himself out for you.
It’s SO easy to get stuck in the idea of us wanting to be loved, wanted or needed by our new dating partner once we begin that journey with them. And trust me, I get it. I’ve been there many a time.
You start seeing someone new. And it’s exciting. You can’t wait to hear from them. You do new activities. Every touch is electric. You get excited by their calls. You have that nervous anticipation of when you’ll see them next.
And in the early phases of dating and attraction, those are our natural hormones and endorphins kicking in … and we get addicted to them. So once they’re taken away without any rational – we feel confused, like we weren’t good enough, and utterly at a loss for words.
But, think about it – do you want to be with someone who makes you feel like you currently do right now?
Someone who leaves you with “torturing thoughts” and blame?
NO. You don’t.
That is not how any friend, boss, or mentor – let alone potential PARTNER – should make you feel. Instead, it’s the exact opposite.
Realizing this in our hearts is the first step in owning the fact that we are worth it. We do deserve to feel good. We should feel loved.
So instead of asking yourself, “Does he like me?” Take back your power with, “Do YOU like him?”
Do you truthfully want to spend your time torturing and blaming yourself for a reason you don’t even know for someone who makes you feel like garbage?
If your daughter, best friend, or sister told you this story, what would you say to them?
Think about that for a second.
Because it’s very likely that’s exactly what you need to begin telling yourself.
The second piece to this is realizing that as hard as it is (and as much as it can suck) you can’t take this personally.
We’re all human. We all have our own stuff we’re working through. And for most of us, relationships bring up a lot of past wounds and hurt. And sometimes, we’re just not ready to handle it. And most of the time, we don’t even realize how wounded we are until we’re in another relationship because again – relationships can bring out the worst triggers for us.
And for someone who hasn’t done their own personal development work or healed enough, they may just not be ready to handle another relationship or even potential relationship. And they may not even know this or how to communicate this to you.
Timing is another huge thing here. But honestly, I think timing goes along with the former on healing. Because when you’ve given yourself enough time to heal from past relationship hurts, you have an open heart ready for love.
Remember though – there are so many other pieces that go into this – feeling financially secure and ready for something real, feeling confident in work/life balance, wishing to input the time and energy and work into a relationship…
My point is there are so many factors beyond YOU that could have caused the break … you can’t take it personally.
And if someone just leaves high and dry with no explanation, after spending a significant amount of time with someone, that says more about them than you … leading to further proof that you really can’t take this personally.
The right person will never ever make you feel like this, I promise.
And if you’re really curious as to what happened, you can also always ask! You seriously have nothing to loose. Remember, you’re information gathering… Something short, confident, honest, and to the point shows maturity, strength, and power … something like the below:
“Hey there. Had an awesome time dating and getting to know one another. It looks like we may be in different places and have different wants, but if you wouldn’t mind, I’m interested in knowing what happened on your end. Thanks!”
Short. Sweet. Direct.
Owning your power.
Lastly, know that how you view yourself will directly reflect the type of people you keep and let into your life.
So maybe this person wasn’t on the same wavelength for you and this whole scenario is actually the best thing to happen.
Instead of letting this get you down, use this experience to gather more data of the type of partner you want in your life. Get really clear and make a list of how this person makes you feel and write out what you want and what you don’t want in a partner. Once you’re super clear, you’ll be able to get out there and attract that person.
And remember to have FUN(!) with dating. Get to know the person. Look at dating as information gathering to see if they’re the right fit for you because YOU – yes YOU – are the prize! And you want to be with someone who makes you feel awesome – not like garbage.
Keep in mind too, that not all people are meant to be in our lives forever.
I strongly believe that we meet certain people to learn lessons, heal past wounds, get clear on what we want and who we are, and basically to grow. And once the growing ends, so will the relationship (whether that’s a romantic partner, best friend, or even your work). Bottomline though, when you’re with the right person, you’ll always grow.
I don’t think relationships are supposed to be easy, they’re supposed to be growth, but growth that at the end of the day makes you feel loved, inspired, and like you’re moving towards something bigger.
So take a deep breath. Let the weight of this one go. Remember, he weeded himself out for you (yay!). And go and make that list of the type of person you want in your life and how they’ll make you feel.
That list will be your focus.
Because you are worthy and deserving of love. We all are.
With so much love,
p.s. Got a question you want me to answer? Email me at Corinne@CorinneDobbas.com (I may post your question and my answer, but you’ll always remain anonymous).